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Hello and thanks for having me. =) Acts of Service is another book with a
lot of myself in it, which, as you know, makes for an emotional journey in
writing and then again when the book releases to the wider world.
I started writing this novella with the
idea of Tom as a man who wants to be loved and has a lot of love to give in
return, but can’t seem to find someone who accepts the way he demonstrates his
feelings. Like so many of us, he’s been rejected on account of his flaws, and
it begins to eat at him until he questions if there’s something terribly wrong
with him.
The story wasn’t envisioned as being
personal at first, but it quickly became that way with Alex. He’s not an
autobiographical character per se, but he struggles with generalized anxiety,
as do I, so by the end of the writing process I was very attached to him
indeed. I’m personally acquainted with how anxiety can make a person feel like
they’re too much trouble for anyone to be romantically interested in. There’s
this nagging question, “Why would you want me when you could be with someone
easier?” and let me tell you, the last thing an anxious person needs is another
idea to worry about.
Lately we’re seeing more characters with
mental health challenges, which is terrific, because millions of us have these
struggles and it’s good to see that represented in fiction. Life beats us all
up in different ways. That doesn’t mean we’re unlovable, even though sometimes
it can feel that way.
One way of looking at happily ever after
is finding the person who doesn’t think your baggage is too heavy.
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Tom can’t catch a break when it comes to his love life. He’s not good with romance, as his exes told him in uncharitable terms, and he’s starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with him. So when he finds himself attracted to his temporary roommate, he’s afraid of being called inadequate all over again.
Alex has serious anxiety which make his life a challenge and his dating prospects slim to nonexistent. He assumes Tom isn’t interested in him because men never are. It’s a pleasant surprise to start a friends with benefits relationship, so Alex goes out on a limb in an attempt to impress Tom. When it backfires spectacularly, he thinks all hope is lost.
Both men are held back by past rejections. Will a minor crisis bring them together – or tear them apart?
Excerpt:
This is undoubtedly the stupidest thing
I’ve ever done to impress a guy.
“Go
ahead, start it up,” said Tom.
Alex
took a deep breath and turned the key. Tom’s truck roared to life. No such luck
as a fortuitously-timed engine malfunction. Though he shouldn’t think such
things, as Tom was only being nice and wishing expensive repairs on him was
hardly fair.
He
looked around trepidatiously. The parking lot really was almost deserted, with
only a few vehicles parked and those much closer to the doors. He wondered what
role those people played in the postal service that required them to work on
Sundays, then realized the line of thought was just a mental delay.
“You’re
not going to cause any damage,” said Tom. If he was impatient, it didn’t come
across in his voice.
“Your
brakes are in good order, right?”
“Yes.
The truck just passed inspection last month with no problems at all.”
It
was a valiant attempt to make Alex feel better, and he appreciated the intent
even though it failed.
The
brake pedal went down smoothly under his foot. Such a small little piece of
metal, and it could be a matter of life or death. Did people who worked at
brake factories realize how much trust was being placed in them every single
day?
Once
he had that all-important device pressed firmly against the floor, he reached
for the gear shift. The first notch down put the truck in neutral, the second
in drive.
“Now
ease up on the brake,” Tom said, remarkably cavalier about putting his safety,
not to mention his vehicle, in the hands of a man who couldn’t drive.
Nothing
happened when he lightened his touch on the brake as instructed. Maybe it was a
sign. Alex had never believed in such things, but he was willing to consider
the possibility.
“Wow,
you had it stomped all the way down, huh? Okay, let it go. Take your time so
you’re comfortable.”
As if that will ever happen.
“How
about less terrified? I believe in setting realistic goals.”
“Sure.
Whatever works. Just remember, there’s nobody around us, so you can’t do much
damage.”
“I
could drive into a light pole,” countered Alex, not because he was trying to be
ornery, but suddenly concerned about damaging Tom’s truck. Those poles were
stuck into cement, a material not known for being kind to vehicles.
“I’m
not worried.”
Well,
that made one of them. Alex eased up on the brake a bit more, but nothing
happened aside from a vague sense of power waiting to be unleashed, though that
could have been his imagination.
“Good,”
said Tom. “Now give it some gas.”
If I crash into a light pole, he can’t
say I didn’t warn him.
Of
course he knew the truck was an inanimate object and thus had no feelings. All
the same, it seemed as though the massive beast was eager to move, and it
lurched forward when he pressed on the gas pedal just the slightest bit. He
wasted no time in going back to the nice, safe brake.
“Not
bad. Try again, and let it go a little more.”
Alex
tried to ignore the churning in his stomach and nervous sweat rolling down the
back of his neck, and he depressed the gas pedal again.
This
time, the truck moved a good six feet forward before he threw down the brake.
The parking lot was beginning to spin around him, something which hadn’t
happened in years, and suddenly the truck’s ventilation system seemed entirely
insufficient.
“That
was good,” said Tom. “A little jerky on the brake, but with practice…”
He
was still talking, but Alex didn’t hear a word because he was trying to get his
traitorous body to obey him for once. It wasn’t working.
Five
years since he’d last had a panic attack, half a decade, and he recognized the
oncoming storm as though it had been five days. His heart raced, he struggled
to breath, and if he’d eaten recently he’d probably be on the verge of throwing
up. Most of all, the whole world raged around him, out of his control while he
couldn’t even manage his own physiological response to stress.
Never
mind driving, at this point he’d have happily settled for not breaking down in
front of Tom, but he knew it was too late for that. Once a panic attack
started, there was no cutting it off.
So much for making a good impression.
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